Have you ever seen feminine products advertised on television and think to yourself, “Who made these commercials?” while doing one of those eye rolls you tell children not to do when they disagree with you? Have no idea what I am talking about? Allow me to explain.
“Mom, do you ever..you know..not feel fresh down there?” A popular commercial that we still make fun of and quote until this day, but I can't say I know one female who has ever asked her mother this intimate question quite in this way, and certainly not while on a picnic. I think if I asked my mother this question while eating, she'd have barfed all over the picnic area.
You know that commercial where that young woman is experiencing vaginal itch and odor? That itch she can't scratch? That smell she hopes no one else can smell? All while wearing a grey hoody and staring at a reflection of herself in a building. Then she gets the product that miraculously cures this problem and is all happy. Are you rolling your eyes yet ladies? Yes, I,for one, always wear a hoody when I have an itch on or in my hooha—okay, not really, but you get my point. Also,unless she never showers or someone bends down to sniff her crotch—no one can smell it, and if they say they can, he/she is a liar. I do,however, feel bad for dogs who repeatedly sniff womens' crotches,especially when the woman has her period or something is wrong. If you don't have your period and a dog sniffs your crotch, perhaps you should make an appointment to see your gynecologist. Better yet, perhaps your dog is a lesbian. It's possible. Alas, I digress...
In the United States, we do not use bidets. Perhaps we should once in awhile, but we don't. So, someone invented the douche, which means shower; a shower for your vajayjay! Problem is you aren't supposed to douche because it changes the Ph balance of the your hooha, but doing it once in awhile is not so bad. With that said, do we really need all sorts of scents? You can have your vagina smelling like a fresh picked bouquet on a Spring morning—from the inside out! Or you can have your hooha smell like Lemon Zest! Vanilla! Lavender! I bet there is even that new car smell!
So you have a really bad yeast infection and your appointment with the gynecologist isn't until next week. You decide you are going to use Vagisil cream. Great! That should help the itch in most cases until you can get to the doctor. So, why are you on an ocean front beach with your mother and daughter? I mean, if you go in that water, you're going to be begging for sweet mercy! And smiling silly while hugging your mother and daughter, while you have a yeast infection is so real. Yes, that is just what I do when I have a yeast infection, except it's my mother and my aunt and I'm squeezing their hands for dear life because I am pretty sure my hooha fell off!
How about those tampon and maxipad commercials? It's hilarious seeing new takes on old ideas, as if they work. Tampax Pearl...pearl because it's small and white (get your minds out of the gutter)! No one's vagina is that small! That would get lost quicker than a gerbil! You'd have to find a fisherman to fetch that thing out! Better yet all maxipad brands have a pad for slight leakage and these pads are so huge that they hang over the side of your underwear. No, these aren't wings (which we will get to in a second). This is the pad...the very large pad. No womans' vajayjay is that big! I sometimes have slight leakage. Hey, it's normal, but ladies this pad looks like you have a tail in the front! You can't put on pants with them and better yet when you wear a skirt, they fall out! I kid you not! On television, they look like normal pads, but, in real life, they are the Godzilla of feminine products!
Then there are pantyliners. These should be called flat tampons. Pantyliners are usually to absorb odor or sweat or sometimes discharge. Sometimes they are used on really light period days,too. I don't know who invented these, but they must've had a rather tiny vajayjay! The thing bloody wadded up on me! I had a pantyliner wedgie in the front! It gets worse! You can't sweat because when you do the pad comes off! Of course on television they don't tell you about this. They just assume you love frontal wedgiess! I mean, maybe some ladies do like frontal wedgies, but not this lady.
Why is it in tampon and maxipad ads women are always happy, polite and on the beach or running? When I have my period, I'm superbitch, retaining water and cramping. I don't want to hang out on the beach. Better yet, if I went running, my ankles my burst from retaining water.
Now to Maxi Pads with wings. What? Are they going to take off? Can I use these instead of my broom?
What is worse is they never stay stuck to your panties, ladies! It's kind of like they have minds of their owns and use your underwear as a runway for takeoff!
“Made for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.” This was a tagline through out my childhood for a famous brand of deodorant. Well, if it's made for a man, why can't men use it? I mean don't men have Ph levels? Hey, men, are you feeling a bit chlorinated? I mean, I know plenty of women who have used men's deodorant. By-the-way women are supposed to perspire or glow and, therefore, their deodorants are called antiperspirants. Quite frankly, women shvitz just as much as men!