For those of us who aren't lucky enough to be able to date like normal folks, there are those of us who are on dating websites. For some of us on said sites, this can be quite a nightmare, but very funny as well. All of the following incidents really did happen.
1. "Do you like sex?" My usual answer to that question is "yes but not with you."
2. Him: Hi! How are you? Me: I'm okay and yourself? Him: No response .... for over an hour or more. I mean seriously...YOU MESSAGED ME!
3."Are those your real eyebrows?" Do my eyebrows really play an important part into whether or not you are interested in me? I use stick on eyebrows bought from a magic shop.
4. "How much do you weigh?" I don't weigh an ounce. I close the page if you ask me that.
5. "Are those your breasts? They're huge!" They're normal sized and what? Do my breasts look like nostrils under my shirt? Yes these are MY breasts. Or are you suggesting that women have interchangeable breasts and I borrowed mine from my friend? She's wearing my breasts and I am wearing hers. Or do you mean I purchased my boobs from Toys R Us? Could you be more specific please? Or rather could you not message me?. I'm too tired to bother answering. What's even funnier is that my pics are from the neck up. So, I have a feeling this guy might've been a tad drunk.
6. Him: What do you like to do? Me: Read. Write. Karaoke. Act silly. Arts and Crafts. And You? Him: Drink. Smoke pot.
Where on my profile does it say I am an alcoholic or pothead? If that's all you do, don't bother.
7. Every 30 seconds: You want to meet? I just started speaking to you. No .
8. Every hour on the dot ,after telling him I want to get to know him online before talking to him on the phone or meeting in person: "Can I have your number?" 18. My lucky number is 18.
9. Him: So what do you do for a living? Me: I'm a writer and looking for part time work. Him: Oh, what do you write? Me: Mainly poetry, but I do dabble in other areas as well. Him: Well you can't make a living on poetry.
I didn't say I could. I said I dabble in other areas as well. Apparently reading isn't your strong suit.
10. Messaging or emailing me one of the following:
a) "I'm drunk." Congratulations! That makes me feel about oh ... () this big, that I look good to you while drunk. What do I look like to you while sober? Don't answer that.
b) "People say I have a nice ass." Really? Being that your only picture of you on your profile is from the neck up, I'd say you have a nice neck or face, unless of course your butt is your face. Then ,yes, you have a nice ass.
c) "What's your favorite sex position?" Considering this is the first time you are messaging me, one that doesn't involve you!
d) "I know you aren't what I'm looking for, but..." Why did you message me again?
e) "I know I'm not w hat you are looking for but..." How do you know you aren't what I'm looking for? Why don't you let me decide that? I mean seriously if you look like a butt, sound like Big Bird, are in love with a chicken named Camilla, have brass knuckles, a grill (why do they call it that?), don't have an IQ, etc, then yeah I'm not interested.
11. Saying you have a great sense of humor, telling me a great fart joke, making me laugh hysterically, asking me for my greatest fart joke, and then telling me I'm too gross. You asked,moron!
12. "You're a very interesting person." and then not contact me for a week. When I e-mailed him to find out what was going on: "I have a girlfriend."
13. "You remind me of my ex-girlfriend." Well then she was stunningly gorgeous and the perfect woman for you. However, I'm not interested.
14. There's a girl in his profile pic. I have no idea if that's his friend's girlfriend, his girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend, his wife, his sister, a cross-dresser or whatever. I think I'll pass.
15. A guy messaged me the following:
"Yo! I'd bite that shit!"
I wrote back that this was the worst pick-up line ever, but if he wanted a snack I was going to the bathroom in a few minutes.
16. I thought I had seen and heard everything this one site could offer. Nope. I was wrong. This one guy's screen name mentioned the word "herpes." That is not spelled wrong. He really meant herpes and not harpies. I wonder if anyone answered his ad.
17. Lastly, when messaging me write something more than "Hi. How are you?" I like when someone finds something funny or interesting in my profile and asks questions. Be different. Well, one guy did write more than just "Hi. How are you?" He wrote one long and boring paragraph on how he wanted to sleep with me, thinking that I wouldn't notice what he was trying to say by using big words. Firstly, I've never met you and this your first time communicating with me. Secondly, I majored in English. I know those big words! After the fifth line, I decided I was neither flattered nor interested. He wrote to me a couple of days later and asked me what he did wrong.
It is now June 29, 2016, and I've decided on a few updates.
18. He messaged me if I was open minded. I clicked on his profile. Picture looked familiar,but I could be wrong. Basically I wrote back that I was open minded about most things. He told me he was a foot lover. I told him we've spoken before on another site. He asked me if I could blackmail him. Seriously, what have I done to offend the dating gods?
19. This one guy made two profiles with the same pictures, only the nick and headlines were different. Did he think no one would notice?
20. The guys who say they don't want any "fatties," aren't that good looking themselves. It's hard to sympathize with a guy who's bosom is bigger than mine.
So, it is now October 7, 2016, and I have more updates for you.
21. "Do you want a servant?" Who the heck asks that? I thought maybe it was the foot guy again, but it wasn't.
22. "Think Cupid shot me in the ass." At least I got a good laugh from this one. However, when I clicked on his profile, he had nothing filled out and his picture was distorted and it looked like it was half focused on his face and half on his armpit, but I could be wrong. So, if Cupid shot you in the ass...nevermind, I don't want to know!
23. "My name is..... and here's my phonenumber." Congratulations! You won a free trip to Lake Notachance!
24. His profile picture is just a pic of his eyes. His hypnotism didn't work on me. I did not get sleepy and I didn't see little swirls before me. All I saw was a pair of creepy eyes peering at me from a website.
November 12, 2016 New Updates
This blog is getting way too log. None of this is made up, folks!
25. An apparently pregnant man checked me out. His nickname is mentions the word "preggers." First, thing I did was laugh my tush off. The second thing I did was cringe.
26. It says specifically on my profile that I am interested in men. So that is why this woman checked me out.
27. His nick is the name of an air freshener. Does this mean he smells really bad, or does he have that new car smell?
28. He has a very nice neck in one pic. Nice nipples too. A few interesting tattoos. I have no idea what his face looks like.
29. Has a curse word in his long nick. Yeah, normally curse words don't turn me off, but I don't even know you, and your nick is so long that I am fairly sure it's your password. I think though you need to add a few numbers at the end to throw other women off.
November 17, 2016 updates
Can't even go a whole month with out something humorous happening.
30. On one of my profiles it asks what one spends time about thinking. As a joke I wrote, "Do wah diddies, " and "who put the bomp in the bomp sh bomp sh bomp?" So, some guy thought it would be cool to answer me seriously and said "Manfred Mann." One problem: Manfred Mann did the "Do Wah Diddy," but Barry Mann did the "Who put the bomp...?" To be honest, it would've been funnier if he said "I put the bomp..."
31. Smoking cigars in your pictures. You look like you are lighting a turd, and cigars DO smell like burnt poo!
This blog entry was started in 2015. it is now February 9, 2017. I had not checked my profile on this dating site in almost three weeks. I check it today to find the following:
Him: Sorry i know that wasn't funny..
The funny part is I have no idea what the heck he is talking about. We had never spoken before. There was no log. So, I guess he thinks he's not funny?